Gay on the Mind

Through a weird series of events, gays have been on my mind today.

No Mom, I'm not coming out of the closest. Stop freaking out.

As I've written before, I spend a large chunk of my day surfing the Internet. One site I've been going to for a while is Andrew Sullivan's blog, The Daily Dish. Mr. Sullivan's an interesting guy, a gay Catholic, an old-style conservative who's HIV+, he's an amazing writer and a damned good political thinker. He was pro-Bush and pro-war. He's since changed his mind as the evidence accumulated that the war was not going well, and it was mostly the President's fault.

But anyways, he pointed his readers to this video for the song The Bible Says. Its mind blowing, to say the least. Absolutely stunning. Watch it. You won't be sorry.

Now, I've watched it twice today, and there's no way that can't be parody, right? I mean, saying gays are going to hell is one thing, but to actually put out a song with the chorus being "God Hates a Fag?" Would people actually do that?

After a second watching, the clues start coming through that this is a truly brilliant piece of parody. The lead singer has a very, well, gay mustache and is wearing a pink shirt. There are quite a few scenes that scream "Gay allusions!" too. And plus, the singer is basically admitting he's gay, but he's going to get through it with the power of Christ. That's not something many of the type of people who would put out a song like this would admit to.

The other thing that made me think about homosexuality happened during lunch. I went and visited the lackluster Phi Sig tabling in Turlington, and hung out for a bit talking to Jeff, Kristen and Sammy. Hung out just long enough, in fact, for the preacher who had been torturing the people in the Plaza of the Americas to make his was over to Turlington. And then the fun began.

He took out two electrical cords, and proceeded to demonstrate why being gay doesn't work. As he pushed two male sides of the plugs together, the first thing that came into my mind was "If two guys are doing that, they're probably too dumb to be gay. Or alive."

He then told a ten minute story about how sexual relations are supposed to go in his head. They involved trips to Starbucks, courting, marriage, a trip to Barbados, a hotel room, and "then they get NAKED!!!" (to quote Crazy Preacher).

These words will be ingrained in my head for the rest of my life. I really wish they weren't.

"The woman lays on her back in the bed! She spreads her legs! The man mounts her! And the penis," he then pushes the electrical plugs together, "enters the vagina! The man moves back and forth," which he demonstrated by jerking the plugs back and forth. And that, I assume, is the end of his sex life. Now, I'm pretty sure it never says in the Bible that the missionary position is the only acceptable position. Or maybe it does, but its in among all the rules in Leviticus that no one pays attention to anymore, like selling your daughters into slavery, or stoning anyone who wears both linen and leather.

Soon the Turlington Crazy started going into what happens when the virginal newlyweds decide to try out that anal sex thing they've been hearing so much about. That was my cue to leave.